Half in Austin. Half in Houston. Fully Nowhere. Nowhere Present.
In ten words or less, that sums up my life right now. Perhaps blogging about this publicly isn't the smartest move, but I'm going to do it anyway. Maybe your comments will provide some guidance.
I love my job. I also enjoy traveling for my job. Spending a few nights in a different city is pretty cool - I get to experience two worlds. Last week, I hung out with tons of my Houston contacts and realized it was more like hanging out with my friends. I worked out at the gym that I'm now very familiar with, and it feels like my gym. (In fact, it will be when I join this week.) I ate at my familiar spots. I joined the Houston Museum of Fine Arts. I don't need a map to get around anymore. It's almost as if I live there. Just for a few days a week, but still, it's almost like I live there.
On Saturday night, Phil & I were wandering around the Heights area of Houston for their annual "White Linen Nights" art/music/food festival. A very smart realtor decided to keep one of her for-sale houses open and invite people in while they were walking between galleries. Never ones to turn down an open house, Phil & I went in and looked around. It was a very cute house - not my style, really - but still I really liked it. Here's the scary part - not only did I like it, I could completely see myself living in it. As in, I was imagining where our furniture would go, and how it would feel to run on the jogging trail in front of the house. I was gaging how long it would take me to get to work. I was interested in the school districts and neighborhood associations. I was curious if Olive & Violet would have room in the yard. I was wondering all of the things that the casual nosy person wouldn't wonder.
For people that really know me, you'll know that I rarely let myself think about stuff like this unless I am committed to something. So there is obviously something going on for me that is enabling me to think about living in another city. This is really strange to me because I feel so firmly grounded in Austin. I've always said that I never want to leave Austin.
I've been feeling this "tug" quite a lot lately. By "tug," I mean the feeling that something big is going to change. Much to Phil's dismay, I know, but I can't deny it. I'm not sure if it's because I see a lot of potential career-wise in Houston. Or perhaps I am just looking for a change after almost ten years in Austin. Or perhaps something much deeper is going on. I don't really want to leave, I don't think. I mean, my life is nearly perfect right now, so why would I want to change it up?
Phil has been there & done that. He's moved to new cities sight unseen. He's changed careers, changed houses, and hell, changed marriages. He's ready to stay in one place (here) for good. Who knows, maybe I feel restricted by that? I doubt it, but you never know. One of my best friends just moved across the country to settle into a promotion and start building a family. Maybe I'm feeling something around that. I'm just not sure.
So, why am I blogging about this? I just need to get it out. I've been wrestling around with it for quite a while, and this weekend in Houston showed me that the "tug" is a lot stronger than I thought it was. And until I figure this out, I feel like half of me is in Austin, the other half is in Houston, and I'm not fully present anywhere.
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6 comments:
Amputate!
If anyone knows what it feels like to be between places and not fully present, I'm the one. Living between Texas and Rhode Island is interesting and invigorating in some ways...and in others it is a pain.
I took the step out of necessity more than any kind of pull to want to live anywhere else, but here's the thing I never expected...when i come to Austin, it's "coming home" and when I go to Rhode Island it's "going home." I know the gyms and running paths both places. I have ways of working in both places. I have friends in both places. Unfortunately I don't have Glenda both places...but we cope.
Apart from the stresses of living away from Glenda much of the time, I actually kind of like having two homes in an odd way.
My advice, try to be fully present, wherever you are. Be in the moment.
Suellen
I think it's perfectly natural to have an itch for some sort of change. Whether it's a new home, new career, or whatever, your options are wide open and the fact that you are even open to acknowledging that is what's important. So many people shut themselves off from something new.
I also think that if you have to be out of town a few days a week, you SHOULD feel like it's also home (in some way). Perpetual vacation always sounds much better than it is, and constant work travel to different places is also very tiring after awhile. I think it's a blessing that you are comfortable in the place where your job takes you.
So, whether you are desiring a change (deep down) or are just feeling settled in Houston, it's all perfectly normal and I see a lot of positives in how you are handling it.
Something's pulling you toward Houston, or at least toward something that's different from what you have now. Pay attention to that, it's important.
I know the feeling, it's what brought me to Austin over 10 years ago. Change is exciting and now that you are feeling more settled in H-town I can see how you could love it there.
I can see you spend an afternoon at the Museum after breakfast at Empire Cafe. Then heading over to Memorial for a late run just before it gets too dark and before Dinner at Babba Yegas. Houston is a great town full of hustle and bustle and totally different from Austin.
At least you are lucky to have time in both cities on a weekly basis. Enjoy it.
I get that way too sometimes. Usually renting an apartment in a new city for a week cures me of it. It's nice to be on vacation and have a neighborhood. I can pretend I live there even if it's only for a week.
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