Three Weeks Out.

I have wanted to blog my thoughts lately so badly, yet the words just wouldn't come out. I've sat down to blog numerous times, then shut it down and walked away. However, being that today was the last day of real "work" in my training for Ironman (i.e. now we begin 3 weeks of taper/rest/recovery), I think it's a good time to reflect on where I am. I'll give it my best.

On June 23, 2008, at about 2:00pm, I sat in my office shrieking at the confirmation page on my laptop. "This message is generated as confirmation of your recent registration on Active.com. You have been successfully registered for the following: Registration:2009 Ford Ironman Coeur d'Alene."

"Holy Shit," I thought. "What the hell did I just do?"

I'll be honest. I had no intention of actually doing Ironman. I was having a FOMO (fear of missing out) moment, chatting with Dionn and looking at the T3 message boards. Every minute another few people would add their comments to the Ironman Coeur D'Alene post: "In." I remember thinking that I had earned nearly enough to pay for this thing from my cycling studies at UT. So I didn't feel like I would be losing money. I also thought: I would hate to miss out in case I change my mind and decide I do want to do IMCDA. And, well, everyone else is doing it. I have said I always wanted to do an Ironman, why not now.

I'll be honest again... life, outside of triathlon, was a mental mess. I was in the midst of major changes and major decisions. Besides, I thought you had to have some solid, inner reasoning, longing and committment in order to commit to Ironman. I didn't have any of that. Yes, I will always consider Dionn my guardian angel, for she gave me the final nudge I needed to register for CDA. (Damnit if that woman doesn't have all-knowing super powers.)

So I registered for CDA and something strange happened... I had a goal, looming in the future. Not one I had to think about anytime soon, but something out in the future to look forward to. I'll be honest, it was a good feeling. Something that I could do for me...devote myself to... escape into, even.

However, as the time to begin the 6 month periodization training grew near, my mind was consumed with everything but Ironman. Add running injuries to the equation, and my outlook was not looking good. I hoped that my attitude would change as June came nearer. Thankfully, I was at least willing to give my attitude some time.

Come January, I mostly stayed a hermit from T3 practices, swimming on my own at the gym, doing the run workouts alone, and convincing Esther to ride my long rides with me, away from the team. I was depressed about my complete lack of fitness. I was discouraged to see everyone else making so much progress while I stayed stagnant, sometimes even reinjuring myself.

But, little by little, things did get better. I started to give up my need for control and my obsession with returning to the athletic state I had achieved in 2008. I got some wise advice: "Just give it time. Stop beating yourself up and be patient." I tried my best to follow it.

I also had some key things that shifted my outlook to a more positive direction. Off the top of my head, some of these were:
1) Running & walking 10 miles (partly with Alisa and Carrie, then on my own) and realizing that it would be okay to walk an Ironman. (My biggest fear was suddenly alleviated that day.)
2) Meeting Natalie at swim practice and forming a Barton Springs/Swim team that would carry me through the open water swim schedule.
3) Some key long bikes, including the 75 mile Flex Team ride on Parmer, the ride I managed to hang on to Opre's Angels, the Armadillo Classic with Katy, and then finally this weekend's long ride where I ate Fitzhough up. (finally!)
4) So many runs with Alisa (and the rest of the bunnies) - though Alisa became my running angel this season.
5) Developing a love for morning spin classes and an unspoken promise to Esther that I would always show up.
6) Lonestar Half Iron.

And lastly, but I think most important:
7) Going to the Art Festival & going to Dallas. Realizing that I didn't have to compromise the things most important to me in order to achieve this goal gave me something more valuable than all of my training - an appreciation of balance.

Who would have thought that just 10-15 hours per week, devoted to running, biking, swimming or getting your butt kicked in Coach Pain's core classes, would offer some of life's best insights?
Yet, through this training I have learned patience - not everything has to happen right here, right now. I have learned trust - that things will work out and be okay, even if it seems near impossible at the time. I have learned how to (sometimes) give up my ego, and be truly happy for others without the need to compare myself. And, little by little, I'm learning acceptance - that I am okay the way I am, and people love me regardless of the stuff I seem to place so much importance on.

If you would have told me 5 months ago, as I froze and cried riding down 360 and only barely collected myself in a coffee shop with Esther, that I would be in this mental place... I would have laughed in your face. But I'm here... I'm in a place of loving this training, loving my friends and loving what I've accomplished. Oddly enough, much of the things causing me so much turmoil haven't changed. But my outlook has changed.

Training for Ironman has been a lesson in humility, patience, trust and committment. It's about hanging on in the face of adversity and believing that you really are capable of whatever you put your mind to.

Mind you, that's what training is. I can only imagine what completing is.

I've been so dismissive of what lies ahead on June 21st. (Probably my protective nature mixed in with a healthy dose of ignorance.) However, today I am ready to embrace it. Three weeks of tapering, planning, pondering, reflecting and preparation, and then a day where I will learn more about myself than perhaps any other day of my life.

By the way, in reference to learning to appreciate balance: I don't have any *big* goals lined up post Ironman. There is a huge part of me that is scared of not having something ahead, and scared of the unknown, really. However, I'm giving up fear and instead I'm going to embrace whatever lies ahead in my life. I have more confidence than ever that I will always land on my feet and that I can do anything if I just believe in myself.

(If I never made it to CDA, I would be okay. It will be the icing on the cake, definitely. But I happily can say that I have loved every piece of the cake. I am full, and I am thankful.)